Waiting with or for HOPE

Waiting with hope is

very difficult, but true

patience is expressed

when we must even

wait for hope. I will

have reached the point

of greatest strength

once I have learned 

to wait for hope.

                                 George Matheson

I had so much HOPE that today was the day Clara would get off the vent. They had said all week they were going to do this. Friday was the day, because they thought she would have gained some weight. I had so much HOPE that I would have wonderful news today, and a photo with Clara with her new CPAP.

However in the true fashion of the NICU plans changed. Clara had actually lost weight, and they suggested we wait until Monday. I of course agreed, and as much as I want it to be the perfect time, I was bummed.

I did get to do her care times, which involved changing her diaper, checking her temperature. I even helped the nurse get some crusty stuff off her mouth. All these things a new mother does every minute with their baby. However I can do them twice a day. And I know Clara isn't supposed to be born, she should be in my belly (where I wish she still was). But she's my baby, and I just want to do something for her.  Instead I look at her behind the glass, waiting until she wakes up so I can touch her. She looks at me like she really SEES me, but I know that is not possible.

 Today a baby in our POD went home, and I couldn't help to listen and watch. I wondered mostly about us and what would that day be like and when it would be. It seems so far away.

Also, I learned that  the baby that was right beside Clara's isolette the first couple of weeks, died last night. He had been moved to another POD after we were moved to an isolation room for Clara's infection. I only spoke to the mom once. Her little boy was born super early like Clara, and had chronic lung disease as well. He was six months old and had been in the NICU since he was born.  I am not sure about his other issues, nor do I know what happened in the end. I just asked how they were doing, and my NICU friend Sabrina  told me and I cried. It was just another cruel reality of all this.

Please pray for that baby's family in Fayetteville. That they find peace, love and support through GOD and through friends and family. I couldn't imagine going through 6 months of this and losing your baby. The thought of it has haunted Jason and myself all day.

Also please pray for my NICU friend's baby, Grant. He was born full term a week before Clara. He has had some set backs and will be staying a while longer too. They may even be moved to another POD which is sad for me, because she was the only one I really talk to there. They are from Fayetteville too.

Finding HOPE in the NICU is hard. Because you have it, and then you don't.A lot of the times you are just afraid to have it, because the waiting is just so hard.  I remember 6 years ago when I was going through infertility. I was afraid to have then too. These are all situations that I had/have no control over. I am absolutely powerless to change things now and then.

 I read today that in circumstances like these "we must draw closer to GOD. Because it is there we can find HOPE in His unfailing LOVE". Therefore I must find HOPE in GOD so he can strengthen my heart, and make me courageous enough to press on with HOPE in my other situations.