Today was difficult day because Clara was not able to be extubated, even with a valiant try from a team of NICU staff and Clara herself.  This was her third time, and she tried soo hard but this time her little heart couldn't keep up. So she had to be intabated again.

They called me as I walked from the parking lot to the hospital, and said today was the day! We had waited for weeks, for weight gain, weight gain, weight gain. Her settings were low and Kim, her nurse practitioner was certain she was ready. I have to admit this time I thought it was going to work.

I have been on cloud nine all week,  Clara has been doing great and I was anticipating that soon she was going to be off that nasty vent. I could see progress, which meant we were even closer to her coming home. I actually started thinking about baby clothes, baby blankets, and her nursery again. I had the highest hopes I would be sending a photo of her on CPAP out to everyone. But not today, and I have to say I'm pretty bummed.

I was able to lift the isolette and talk to her before it was going to happen. I rubbed her hair and held her hand and told her she was going to be okay. She was so alert and never stopped looking at me. Throughout the process she was able to breathe and stat, but her heart rate was too low and she just couldn't get it up on the CPAP. I decided to wait out side the room as they worked and when they asked me to come back in she was deathly pale, and I thought I was going to pass out. And in my fashion I cried, which they are all used to now. When they put the vent back in I just walked out, knowing I didn't want to see that.

Being on the vent each day longer makes her lung disease worse. It also increases her risks for pneumonia. I was able to see her chest film from her first xray to the last, and was able to understand the extent of the lung damage already.

So now Jason and myself are going to discuss next week what the options are, to get her off that vent. Explore the PDA: surgery, steroids, etc. These all have risks, so obviously I was hoping to avoid making these decisions.

Tough day for me as mommy. I've been at a loss of prayer this afternoon and evening. I think I just don't know what to say. Utterly discouraged and again scared for what is ahead for my sweet sweet baby.