On September 6th we took Madeline to her first day of Kindergarten. It was such an exciting day, but I had not been feeling well that week and not felt Clara move in a day and half. That morning I placed call to my doctor and they had asked me to come in. An ultrasound confirmed that my amniotic fluid was low, my water had might have broken, and I was measuring only 22 weeks (I was almost 25 weeks) The doctor and my nurse practitioner sat me down and discussed what was happening, told me where I was to go and what was going to happen. I was by myself and obviously terrified. They were wonderful to sit with me as I cried and as I worried. There was an urgency in their voice and they way they moved in and out the room with information, directions to Chapel Hill, etc. Jason was on his way from painting a house to come and get me, and my parents had to turn around from their trip to the mountains.
During the 30 minute trip I don't remember looking at anything, but I remember being hysterical and worrying sick over Madeline. I had left school so soon that morning, sure that I would be back, that I didn't even check in on her. Now I was 45 minutes away and she thought I was there at school in my classroom. Funny after everything that was happening to me, I could only think about that.
The next 24+ hours after that seem like a dream now. I remember test after test we would hear something hopeful and then soon after something disappointing about my condition and Clara. I had a severe case of preeclampsia and she was not thriving inside me, so the doctors made the choice to deliver her by Cesarean early AM on Sunday.
It may take me days, months, years to emotionally understand what exactly happen to my body. It has been by far the toughest experience Jason and I have ever been through. I clung to the Hope that God would be there with us and Clara through out every moment those first couple of days, and that she would survive.
This week I have experienced a single moment that has changed everything and that has taken me and my family down a new path.
I hope to blog about our experiences as a family and also about Clara's fight to grow and get healthy. I know that things will change in time, so I cling to God's promises.
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