So many people have sent me scriptures either in cards, email, texts. These have been so encouraging. I have a little notebook that I take with me to the hospital everyday. Inside I try to write everything that is going on with Clara on that day, so the next day I can know what questions to ask during rounds or when we call back in the evening. My sister in law, Kelly, sent this to me and It has meant so much. It is exactly how I have felt most of my days for the past three weeks, especially this week. I think it could encourage any of us, when we are struggling. Thanks Kelly.
This is for you and Clara...
Isaiah 42:3
a bruised reed He will not break
and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.
imagine yourself as a candle. There are times in our lives when our flame is strong and bright and warm in all it's glory. But there are also times when we are dimly lit. Times when we feel like our flame becomes weak and is just barely a flicker - physically exhausted, sleep deprived, emotionally worn out from worry and fear, heartbroken over something we cannot understand, weak when we know we should be strong. When we are just barely a flicker we go about our day hiding behind a smile just trying to keep it all together even though we feel like the very next "blow" will completely snuff out all that is left of our tiny little flicker.
Isaiah 42:3 is a promise that God meets us wherever you are, especially when you are barely a flicker. It's as if He reaches down and cups His hands around your flicker and He holds you, and gives you a breath of fresh air to restore you and lift you up. He remains strong for you when you are weak and day by day, he returns your tiny flicker to a FLAME.
Court - if you feel dimly lit, cling to His promise that He IS with you and He IS restoring your flicker to a flame. Day by day, through all the struggle and the hard times he is cupping his hands around you and carrying you through it all. One day your flicker will return to a FLAME.
Thursday when we left the hospital Clara was on her way up, but yesterday when we came back Friday she had another small set back and then today another little bump.
Yesterday: During an Xray they found that a small upper part of her lung wouldn't inflate. This could be just from her position she was laying, so they went up on her vent settings to help open. This is pretty common. She has had a couple of bad blood gases as well. She is still on antibiotics from an infection, however they were having a hard time finding a vein that could work for the antibiotic, since she has been poked so many times. They may have to put in another PICC once the infection is over? Her O2 rates are still swinging so they were constantly having a adjust her oxygen up and down all day. The lights were turned off, her isolette was covered to just give her some time to rest. She had a rough morning. Jason and I sat in the dark our entire visit and would peek in to just see her. We weren't able to touch her, because we really didn't want to bother her. Also another blood transfusion, her 4th.
Today: She has a bad blood gas this morning so....Chest xray possibly found a widespread whitening of her lungs. Probably just fluid not pneumonia? So she was given Lasix, to help get rid of the fluid. They also had to go up on her vent volume. Another blood gas, and it was better. Her blood sugar was border line low, so they may need to go up on her calories in her milk. Overall Nurse practitioner said she looked good and comfortable as she slept.
I know this seems like a lot of mumbo jumbo. Believe me I can barely keep up. However these are the kind of things that are told to us everyday about our baby. We learn pretty fast what everything means, and have a preemie book (that the hospital gave us) at home for reference. Most of time after rounds, when it is our question time, I have to say please just summarize and have learned to ask big bump or small bump. I'm sure if you have been through a NICU experience, this may sound very familiar and bring back lots of memories.
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