Clara Elyse Murphy
Day of life 58
Really no change with Clara except she is continuing to gain weight. Tonight Grandma and Papa reported, from their evening visit that she now weighs 1280 grams (2 pounds 13 ounces). Up from the 1220 that she was today. They are trying to maximize her calories which is now 30 with the 21 mls of breast milk.
I held her again today, just amazed how perfect she is. She was such a sleepy head today, and seems to really like wearing clothes and being swaddled. She especially loves being on her belly.
I do really miss our kangaroo care, skin on skin. I felt we were about as connected as we could be during those times.
As difficult as the past couple of months have been, I have felt such joy in my times with her. I remember a specific time holding her weeks ago, that I thought this is the joy that God promises while we struggle.
"It's one thing to look back on the storm and praise God; it's quite another to raise your hands to heaven when the lightning is flashing and the thunder is roaring. It's only through the amazing grace of God that we can do so. Rather than the storm drowning out our voices, the praise we give God during our difficult times is the most audible of all to the world" (Gerth, Under God's Umbrella)
I realize tonight as I read this I haven't been doing a good job of that the past couple of days. Anyone that has had a conversation with me, has seen me an emotional bitter mess. Yes, anger has crept back in. AND I do realize how I feel is just normal. I have passed through and back through all of these normal stages. And I do know that this road is a long one, and I will continue to do so.
However tonight I have experienced a sense of peace that has surpassed this. And I wanted the world to hear the song in my heart, that I love my sweet Clara. God has still blessed us with a perfect little miracle. And know matter what is to come He chose Jason and myself to be her parents.
"In the deepest darkest moments of our lives, we need to affirm what is true: We are loved, there is a greater plan, and God is still in control" (Gerth)
I want to again thank everyone (even people whom we have never met) for the encouraging words and scripture through cards, emails, texts. I may not respond but I do read them all. They have each individually meant so much to me. The dinners and gifts have carried us through, what could have been a financial burden. I hope God has blessed you all with the blessing you have been to our family.
To our Family who have had to endure this experience along side of us, thank you for sitting with us at UNC, the phone conversations, the help with Madeline, and just the times where you have sat and listened and seen us at our worst.
We love you all.
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