Clara is experiencing significant pain tonight. She gets so upset she stops breathing, desalts to the 60's and turns blue. We haven't seen that trick since the NICCU. 

She is resting finally and I hope she will stay comfortable all night. 

The bronc earlier went well, but showed no sign of airway improvement. So they will discuss reconstruction with us later when all this calms down. I did specifically ask when..like six months?? And he just laughed and patted my back. Always so vague, those ENTs. 

I sat tonight rocking her and thought I have no idea what I feel. I think numb? Desensitized?? I am still trying trying to process all that happened and what the next several days will be like. When can we take her come? At 10:00 am as they walked away with her I felt fear and sadness, I remember that. But what now? 

This is a usual thing for me to be so calm, perplexed at the start. And I also know It will all catch up soon, it always does. Then I'll know I got though it. 

Praying for rest for my Clara and too see her smile again.