"Welcome to Holland (Part 2)" by Emily Perl Kingsley

I have been in Holland for over a decade now. It has become home. I have had time to catch my breath, to settle and adjust, to accept something different than I'd planned.

I reflect back on those years of past when I had first landed in Holland. I remember clearly my shock, my fear, my anger—the pain and uncertainty. In those first few years, I tried to get back to Italy as planned, but Holland was where I was to stay. Today, I can say how far I have come on this unexpected journey. I have learned so much more. But, this too has been a journey of time.

I worked hard. I bought new guidebooks. I learned a new language and I slowly found my way around this new land. I have met others whose plans had changed like mine, and who could share my experience. We supported one another and some have become very special friends.

Some of these fellow travelers had been in Holland longer than I and were seasoned guides, assisting me along the way. Many have encouraged me. Many have taught me to open my eyes to the wonder and gifts to behold in this new land. I have discovered a community of caring. Holland wasn't so bad.

I think that Holland is used to wayward travelers like me and grew to become a land of hospitality, reaching out to welcome, to assist and to support newcomers like me in this new land. Over the years, I've wondered what life would have been like if I'd landed in Italy as planned. Would life have been easier? Would it have been as rewarding? Would I have learned some of the important lessons I hold today?

Sure, this journey has been more challenging and at times I would (and still do) stomp my feet and cry out in frustration and protest. And, yes, Holland is slower paced than Italy and less flashy than Italy, but this too has been an unexpected gift. I have learned to slow down in ways too and look closer at things, with a new appreciation for the remarkable beauty of Holland with its' tulips, windmills and Rembrandts.

I have come to love Holland and call it Home.

I have become a world traveler and discovered that it doesn't matter where you land. What's more important is what you make of your journey and how you see and enjoy the very special, the very lovely, things that Holland, or any land, has to offer.

Yes, over a decade ago I landed in a place I hadn't planned. Yet I am thankful, for this destination has been richer than I could have imagined!

In December I posted about my dear friend losing her baby, and how she read "Welcome to Holland" at his memorial service. I even posted it on this blog. 
Above is part 2. I was prompted to find it tonight after our visit to Clara's eye doctor in Chapel Hill. First of all, I am no way near the point where this passage is. I am in still the beginning, of this "long journey" we have with Clara. I have gotten a little further than the shock, fear and anger that came after her tracheostomy. I no longer feel that I can't do this (yes nurse Heather..I said that!). However I still have the hurt in my heart that knows this is for a long while, and the questions "what is yet to come?" 

But I am making my way around. Learning. Learning. Learning. This "Welcome to Holland part 2" none the less gives me hope

So today Jason and myself took Clara by ourselves (no nurse..I am impressed) to her appointment as a follow up to check her eyes.  Clara was having eye appointments in the hospital regularly to monitor her for ROP. 

Anyway...the nurse for the eye doctor first took us to a room, to give Clara some eye drops, then to ask a zillion of questions. Which I later responded, I  have her discharge summary if you need it. So when we got her out of the car seat, she saw her trach and said "oh she has a trach......that is so sad to look at" (while making this pitiful look). Jason and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. We of course talked about later to be a health professional she sounded..well stupid. And then during the examination Clara's little HME came off, as it does a million times a day, and the same nurse said "oh..her trach just came off". Which was kinda funny...because no it did not. Not even close lady!

So the point of all this is to say...it hurt. I am not mad at her, nor did I then want to say something back, or leave that situation without grace. I know and have known that people will look, stare, talk about her from afar, and yes feel sorry for her and maybe us. I have waited to get past this first, one of many, moments and I did. I feel so incredibly uncomfortable even saying that this was even a deal for me, but it was and still is,and will be I am sure for a while. 

Clara to me is just a beautiful baby that just so happens to have a special thing that helps her to breathe. I tell Madeline that we are the luckiest mommy, daddy, and big sister because we have a baby like no other. And she is the luckiest baby because God knew she needed the best, and we are it! She is not sad to look at, but is absolutely breath taking. Her mere existence is a gift. Jason, Madeline and myself are so proud that she is ours. Please do not feel sorry for her or us. We have been blessed with each other. Our love has held us together in miraculous ways and made us stronger than before. God gave us that. 

Oh. Finally to add. Clara's eyes are now fully developed. 0% chance of ROP. She goes back in four months, just to check for other vision problems that she may have just because she was premature.

Tomorrow we travel back to Chapel Hill for Pulmonary appointment and hopefully to visit some NICU friends. Praying for more good news!