Known

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when

I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely,

O Lord, You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too 

wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 

Psalm 139: 1-6

This is one of the most beautiful scriptures to me. It is about being known.  "God knows how many hairs are on our head, how many cares are on your heart. He knows everything that you do, all that that your long for, and every part of who you are. You are lovingly, intimately known." (Gerth, God's Heart for You) 

For along time, but not to long ago this scripture was very different for me. It made me nervous. I thought that when God looked at me that way, he must see disappointment. I felt very flawed, always trying to be what I thought he wanted, what everyone else wanted, always wanting to be more.  Not truly "embracing my true worth"

Now, with all that our family has been through. I see it differently. I see the beautiful gift of grace. "when we come to Christ, His sacrifice enables our complete acceptance." I see that God notices me and loves me the way I am. He has seen the very best and worst of me and still calls me his own. 

When I read this scripture I also see the beauty in how Madeline and Clara were made. That God knows them inside and out even before they were ours, and sees their heart and desires more than I ever will.  And as the they grow and face their challenges with getting older, He will know them in a much deeper and more powerful way than anyone. This gives me comfort!

This past Saturday Heather Lauffer came and took some photos of Clara, Maddie, myself and Jason. It was  so totally fun and it was just the best way to celebrate Clara's homecoming and our little family finally together. She took lots of photos of us all four finally together. We haven't had a family photo taken since the day after Clara was born in the hospital. (one above on the blog) 

It's time for another one!!

More to come of those I hope soon. Heather is absolutely fabulous and talented as many of you know. 

Little by little Madeline and Clara are warming up to each other. It defiantly has not been love at first sight, most of the time Madeline ignores her, which I know is so completely normal and Clara hasn't really looked at her. In this photo we were reading books in Clara's room. Both had baths and pjs on. Madeline always picks out the books, and Clara is usually looking up at the ceiling, (as she should at 2 months :).

 On this night Madeline said the most funny thing as she watched Clara look all around the room and not at us or the book. She said that "Clara isn't going to be good at school, because she isn't a very good listener"

This made me laugh, because I knew how very serious she was about it and how she meant it. Madeline is all about the rules of school! 

Maddie always and will forever make me smile with what she says. 

Clara is now 8 lbs and 5 ounces. Her pulmonary appointment went great. She can now stay on her HME longer and we can start to tweak her oxygen down. She still has lung disease so this process will be long, but I am for certain that her lungs are growing big and healthy and hopefully in next few months she can get off Oxygen for some parts of her day. She continues to love eating and being held. She hates getting her trach care done and fights us and the nurses at any given point when we start to touch her neck. As much as I wish she would make it a little easier, I love this feisty part of her. She is smiling more, and is doing more so at night now. I've noticed she is not quit as tight as in the the hospital and can move her arms and legs better and stretch out longer. We hope to get her assessed for possible PT soon, which will help even more with this. She still favors one side when she lays down, but is rolling over and staying a while on the other side too more. She is just thriving at home and growing and is just so happy. 

It was so great to visit with Family last night. This was the first time my Aunt Geneva got to see Clara since the hospital. I love this photo! All the sudden on her lap with Madeline beside them, Clara started to notice Maddie. This made her very happy and asked to hold Clara, where she just then loved on her for a long time. Priceless! 

Big Smile after a BIG bottle!