"It's good to pause sometimes and look back over how far you've come. In which areas of your life have you been freed with God's help? What steps will you take to ensure you continue to live in freedom and hope?

Embracing the freedom that we have worked to gain doesn't mean we won't hurt, have setbacks, or struggle again. it does mean that we choose to take what God has done in us and live it out. That requires courage, determination, and resilience. 

While we have to fight hard to get and stay free, God is the One who makes it possible. The key to moving forward in freedom is walking with him, rain, or shine, every step of the way." (Holly Gerth, "Under God's Umbrella)

For the first time in almost four months the NICU staff has begun to talk about when we might take Clara home. I have to admit when I first heard of this my initial thought was anxiety, over not being ready. There is still so much to learn about her trach. However when I went home and started thinking about it and imagining her here with Madeline I began to get seriously excited. I still occasionally doubt  what I am capable of.  But then I think of what we have been through so far and what I have learned about myself and from God and I take a deep breath and think "i got this!". Yesterday someone even mentioned that she is no longer critical. 

YAY! 

We had a wonderful and very busy Christmas together and with family. I felt extremely blessed with Clara's progression and just some much needed alone time with Maddie. The trach was something I did not want for Clara, but it truly is what she needs to breathe and survive. She is one step closer to coming home, and that is most important. She will develop much better here with our attention and love. 

I read the above passage today and thought how this is very applicable to me now. Reading and Learning with God is something I still need to do, even though I am sorry to say it sometimes gets put aside.  These times I needed for so long to just get through my day, but I still need them now to move forward.. His help has truly freed me and I do think often how much I have gained. Through out this experience he may have not met our wishes with certain outcomes but he has met our needs in so many other ways. I have spoken about these a lot. Just the support from friends, family, community, people we have yet to meet and our church family has been tremendous. I have developed relationships with people at Chapel Hill that will never be forgotten, and a friendship that started there I will always be connected to. I even have been loved and supported from afar from some pretty remarkable people I have yet to meet. I have old friendships that have been strengthened and some that have been rekindled.  I believe that these all are just not mere gifts or things to take lightly, but blessings and love given by God. I have fought hard, been so afraid and been so hurt by watching Clara endured, but have FELT so loved. 

One of my greatest hopes is that I have taken what GOD has done with me and lived it out and will continue too. Just her mere existence and story is proof that God is real and loves. 

Jason, myself, and Madeline will just love and support Clara just the way she is or yet to be. I will personally fight without measure to ensure that she has everything she needs to grow, be happy, and be extraordinary.

 With some Christmas photos I want to share a poem that my friend Sabrina (strongest person I know) read at her baby's memorial service. I want to add that Yes I have been to Italy and now to Holland. And I say praise GOD! 

Maybe you are there now or have been and this can comfort you. Or maybe you have not, and it can help you to be more compassionate and understanding. 

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome To Holland”.

“Holland?!?” you say, “What do you mean “Holland”??? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned”.

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

by Emily Perl Kingsley