Clara will not have the bronchoscopy tomorrow as planned. Last night the hospital called to say that she had thrown up and her stomach was bloated. Her feeds were stopped and she had several xrays to show the intestines are large, probably irritated. Also when the nurse today pulled back the syringe to see what was left inside the stomach, blood (like coffee grounds) came back.

Today they said they believed it could be from a UTI infection or maybe a feeding intolerance to the formula that has been mixed in with her breast milk. So no feeds at all today until the next xray, tomorrow morning.
She is receiving fluids and TPN tonight, in lieu of.

Other than this new issue, Clara is doing fine. Her vent settings are still low, so thankfully no respiratory problems. She was a little sleepy today and looked uncomfortable probably from being so gassy.

The bronc has to be rescheduled for obvious reasons. I of course was disappointed, but understood. This is something that was supposed to be done last week, and again we have to wait. I tried to get it done when she was healthy and ready last Thursday. Mommy knows best, right. Our doctor told me that Clara was of highest priority and that it would rescheduled as soon as she was feeling better, hopefully Friday.

Madeline's birthday is this Thursday and I had promised her I would eat lunch with her and we could celebrate when she got home from school. It just couldn't be planned on her day.

I do feel like maybe there is a reason she isn't supposed to have the bronc yet. I have thought about it all day. Only God knows all the answers to our questions about her and what is to come. My focus throughout the next few days is to just be with Clara as she gets over this, and celebrate, celebrate my sweet Madeline every possible minute I can with her.

So many people ask me how I am managing all this. I literally get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and just go. I try not to think or worry about anything but what is in front of me. Every now and then I'll stop and think (like last night and today), this is really hard, I don't think I can do it. But I do. I spend lot of time listening to christian music in the car, singing and thinking about what the words mean to me at that moment. At the hospital I read when I am not holding Clara, and spend time praying in my own way with God. I believe that my relationship with him, has not always kept the hurt and fear away, but the bitterness it has. I don't know how I would go through this withouthis love and comfort.