This picture was taken one year ago today. It was Madeline's first day of kindergarten. Also it was the day I was sent to Chapel Hill to have Clara two days later. This photo is still very hard for me to look at. Tonight was the first time I downloaded these off my camera onto my computer. What should have been such a wonderful day, was actually the scariest day of my life.
I still feel very robbed of that day. I never picked her up, got to hear about it or even feel that sadness that comes sending your child to kindergarten. I was worried about what was going on with me because I knew something was wrong.
I had not been feeling well that entire week. Just very swollen and overwhelmed in general. I remember calling my parents two nights before very emotional saying that I thought something was the matter. I felt as if I was going crazy. The morning of Madeline's first day of school she had lost her shoe, and I remember I was so upset about that. I was so frustrated...and I remember thinking how I was probably ruining her first day. But I just didn't feel well. Also I had not felt Clara move in over a day, so I had decided I needed to go to the doctor after we walked Maddie down to her room.
I was crying to Jason that morning and he said I would be fine and he was sure I would be back.
Today is a day I would rather skip. Not fun to remember any of it, although I do all the time. I guess after a year I should stop grieving with what is lost and with what is not how it should be. But I haven't. How awful is it that I still look back to old photos and just want to be there where it is easy. With everything else I don't understand right now, I definitely don't know what to do or where to go with all these feelings, but to trust and believe in God. That he will get me to a place of acceptance one day, and where I can see his dream for us.
Clara will be 1 on Monday, and right now she is sick. I pray that before then she can feel better, and we can have a day home to love on her and celebrate that we've survived a year!
Thank you for sharing our story this year, and for loving our little Clara. I have tried so hard to be real with all with all of this, the ups and downs. I still completely believe that God will make and already has made something good out of Clara's life. I have committed to work hard, stay faithful, and TRUST him not matter what. The good, bad, easy, hard, the not how I wanted it to be...and the wonderfully unexpected.
Maddie's first day of Kindergarten
Last July when we told we were having a girl.
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