When I was pregnant with Madeline 8 years ago, I remember specifically one day standing in the breeze way at my school. I happened to noticed out the window a class of our special needs younger kids playing on their playground. A father was there too with his child, and was helping her down the slide. And I remember thinking I wonder what that feels like?

As any first time mom, you fret over your unborn baby. You pray for it to be healthy. So I am sure at that moment I was hoping to not have to know what that would feel like. 

So eight years later now I know, and I can say it is hard but also wonderful too. I don't mean like a general hard. Being a mom in VERY hard, even with a typical child. But for me this hard is different to what I experienced with Madeline.

HARD-gut wrenching, heart breaking hard. You feel beat down, discouraged with every impossible decision, hospital stay, doctor appointment, HOPE, bad news, the list goes on. And you say how could so much happen to one little baby? Where is her relief, where is mine. When will it get easier.

In 1 Kings 19 Elijah had just conured the prophets of Baal and watched God show up to help him. After this you would think he would have had no fear but when Jezebel wanted to kill him he ran for his life, and went on a days journey into the wilderness. He prayed that he might die, that he had had enough, and that he was no better than his fathers.

I read about this scripture in a magazine and I like the author share the feeling of just simply having had enough. When will it get easier Lord? Why... with any situation we all feel this way. The author of article said that Elijah wasn't running from death, he was running from life. Then Bamm! It hit me, I am Elijah. Sometimes I just want to run from it being Hard. RUN from one more set of bad news, one more infection, trip back to UNC, more medication, Clara stops eating.......... 

I could go on and on about how hard it is, and how hard we fight to keep her healthy. But there is wonderful too. Her contagious smile, her blue eyes and long eye lashes. Her sweet personality and blond curls just like her sisters. In everything she does, even the littlest change or development is so huge and joyous, and my cup is filled more than I could ever imagine. And all of this, and lots more triumphs the hard stuff. This is my moutaintop. GOD shows up supports me and reminds me all that is true and wonderful. His promise is again revealed. He his faithful. He is with me every step, even on those days I feel alone. 

I dreamed of being a mommy again after Madeline. However I did not dream of being a special needs mommy.I did not plan for a 25 weeker, a trach, celebral palsy, a brain injury with seizures. But here we are. And it's okay because GOD dreamed it for me, and I trust him. As easy as it would be to not trust him. I do.
And I love her.

The past several weeks, I haven't blogged because I didn't have anything to say. Well I had loads to say, but I didn't want to. I feared how it would come out, becasue like Elijah I had had enough. I was very sad, and angry and just worn out. I didn't want any comfort, I just sat in worry and grief. I guess like the article said I rested.  Then today, I don't know why, but I feel renewed. Ready for the next round. Maybe it was our trip to Clara's Neuro, or maybe it was this article I read or the article on facebook. I feel better.

I know that there will be many trips back in forth from the valley  to the mountain top. And I know my way because HE has showed it to me.

Being a mom is really hard, despite the situation. I guess my advice, if I am worthy to offer it, is to take care of yourself when we have had enough, be encouraged by GOD, and never give up. He will meet you on your mountain top.

This passage was partly inspired by the article, In the Midst of Overwheming circumstances, God is Faithful. By Melissa Spoelstra. 

November 2013